Let's talk a little more about where I've been and where I'm trying to go.
I had the kind of job in fashion people make movies about. I was writing jokes about fashion and making memes all day. I was on a best-in-class team.
Though I had privilege of resigning on my own terms, I was still lost in the crush of layoffs, a kind of instability that never really re-settled once my senior leaders left the company.
I began looking for a new job, which also came with its share of foolishness. Agencies inventing roles only to take them away. CMOs talking down to you as if your work didn't redefine an industry. I don't think so, honey.
Now that I'm back from Los Angeles, I have gas back in my tank. Apparently the cure-all to burnout for me is just dorking around in a Mercedes around LA for a little bit. Not that shocking, honestly.
For a while post-SSENSE, I was confused. I had to dig deeper into myself and build myself back up, closer to the dream version of my life I never before thought possible. I don't even want the same things anymore, which felt unstable at first, but I had to trust the process of transformation, I just don't want the same things anymore. I don't even think the same way.
One thing is also for certain, is that I will never hide behind decks and corporate speak. It became very clearly apparent to me the masquerades of corporate work, and that lack of integrity continues to scald me. Can I build a business based on honesty and less on optics?
As you can tell, I'm pretty disillusioned and disappointed by the people and the industry I once looked up to. I feel jaded when I think about the attention economy and the state of journalism. I don't think anyone is really built to consume content like this.
I am deeply grateful for the clients I have been working with. But I can tell you that I quickly learned that things like experiences, relationships, friendships, community, learning skills, a sense of self and creativity are way more important than the status and materialism I saw being lusted over. The most meaningful things just will not and cannot just be bought.
I think I have peace and a curiousity after a long time of not having either of those things.
I think part of me was able to compartmentalize some aspects of the fashion industry, but I'm not sure how much of it I saw as actually respectable, or cool. I'm still interested in how fashion communicates the zeitgeist. But ultimately, I felt like I wasn't actually creating anything, just commenting on the sidelines, making more junk to consume. Not like I was actually putting anything really interesting out there, despite how much my work was loved. But again, if you don't have control of your time, and your salary is so paltry, that train has to stop eventually.
I would still love to move to a bigger city, outside of Canada. To discover a new story. To set roots somewhere and want to stay awhile. To find home. To feel bigger. To be challenged. I think unfortunately, Montréal was just a bit too cozy, and I just had no appetite to get into the mix. But the mix is everything. The mix is life. The mix is the energy of life, especially when you're in your 20s.
So anyways, I'm hoping my trip to Los Angeles will reawaken the beast. I feel a little shy to be so independent again just because the last year was so tough, and I think I was suppressing certain aspects of myself that needed a little more softness and understanding, so I have to re-learn how to meet those needs on my own. This was never an issue while I was on my own in Toronto, but my business really got rocked when I was out in Montréal. Things spiralled so out of control that I'm still trying to understand what being so out of alignment did to my emotional life.
Right now, I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to find the punchline. I'm just being myself.